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Literature Text
Seeking a gate to her belovèd Mars –
A distant, pristine echo beneath her
As fair petals glitter under the stars.
A cardinal red darts over the snow,
Never stopping to notice a plain bird
Waiting to sing for her belovèd beau –
But the love-song fades as it goes unheard.
A yellow flame dancing upon the wick
Consumes the candle with fervent burning
And her belovèd wax wanes with each lick
Until all she has is ashen yearning.
In absence even, she craves attention –
But that is not to his comprehension.
2) I know you can probably tell that I pronounced "beloved" with three syllables without the use of a grave accent, but I like spelling it that way.
3) The stress starts on the second syllable of each line.
4) I know "shouting into the abyss" is a cliché and "Crying Into A Chasm" is essentially just synonymous, but there is a very specific reason I use this wording (compare the exact definitions and it should be easy enough to figure out why).
5) Yes, "her belovèd wax wanes" is supposed to be funny. Actually, I make quite a few puns in my poetry... But I don't know if a "waxing and waning" joke counts as a pun - meh.
, and I'd like to share my thoughts on your work.
So, my thoughts on the rhythm are that it is generally fantastic. The first four lines, the last four lines, and the rhyming couplet are all superb. The middle four lines are a bit out of place, though, from, ‘A cardinal red …’ to, ‘the longer ‘tis unheard’. I think it might be the placement of the words and syllables is dissonant with the rest of the poem, and I personally don’t find it to be so in a pleasing way. However, it does not go against the sonnet structure, so, as the author, it is really your choice whether or not this part of the comment helps 
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I do love the use of colour in your poem. It’s very vivid, and also illustrates some beautiful visual dichotomies. For example, ‘A white lily drifts atop black water …’ and, ‘A cardinal red darts over the snow…’ (assuming, of course, that the snow is white 
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The theme of unrequited love is very powerfully portrayed in each illustration, but I do feel that the imagery is much stronger in this work than the theme. I really enjoyed each image: the drifting lily, the female bird waiting for the cardinal, and the waning candle were all exquisite. I did get the message, but it just wasn’t at the front of my mind throughout the poem
Some word choices were particularly inspired, in my opinion. For example, ‘A distant, pristine echo beneath her …’ conjures up a scene which is three-dimensional, and can be appreciated by all the senses. I also admire your usage of the candle imagery. It suggests a passion which is so strong that it uses itself up, and destroys the subject of its desire. Very interesting stuff! The word choices in the candle section are also fittingly visceral to me: ‘dancing’, ‘consumes’, ‘fervent’, ‘lick’, and ‘yearning’ seem very good choices!
The only real issue is, again, coming back to the second set of four lines. I just keep thinking that the word choice is too jarring, and seems jammed in. I find ‘she-bird’, and ‘’tis unheard’ particularly out of place. I can’t really suggest better, though, so don’t take this too hard. I am not a master poet by any means 
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Overall, this is a truly beautiful poem, and one of my favourites on DeviantArt. Keep up the awesome work!